I use sleep as shock therapy--
I set my alarm and hope that taking a heavy pause will cure my anxiety.
My mind is an ocean pulling sand from beneath my stance
putting placards of glass all around me and beneath me
so that I cannot stand on real ground.

I will always be miming to the outside
a diablo with no invitation over the threshold.

I am lost in the feeling of conditional love
I look through the glass and see potential but
I still cannot believe that every relationship I build
is anything more than the creation of a ruddy cheeked kid on the beach.

High threat level doesn’t cut it--
My father used to end every dream I shared of my future with
“if you live that long.”
First a joke and then the questions of whether or not to be there for me,
fears that started when my aunt died of cancer,
I had no carefree childhood because I was too depressed to feel emotions--
I ceased even to seek attachment.

Everyone is afraid to die alone.
I am afraid to die alone when
someone could have helped me,
someone could have kept me alive;
I am afraid I will die totally neglected
A priority not quite as high as a house payment
Just a child from a fit of passion
where the condom broke
who will never be forgiven for not having the sense to self-abort.